How To Reach Orgasm During Sex Or Masturbation

Now that your sessions of masturbation are lasting for about half an hour, you've probably been experiencing high levels of arousal. It's possible, though, that you have not yet had an orgasm. The way to deal with this is to practice more!

Before we talk about that, however, it's important to understand what else might be blocking your orgasms.

One big thing which can certainly interfere with your training program (a training program to enjoy orgasms) is the sense that you shouldn't be doing this, that there are more important things to worry about than having an orgasm: your home, family, work, and so on. It's our view that this kind of irritable resistance is almost always a block which is caused by fear or self-doubt.

To overcome it, think of the objective you're working towards - being able to freely enjoy orgasm as you choose, to experience sexual arousal and to enjoy all the pleasure that your body can offer you. To accept the sexual gifts that your partner is giving you - including orgasm.

You can find out how any man can last a great deal longer in bed by reading about premature ejaculation here - www.massivestayingpower.com  - this has many answers which are helpful to men who ejaculate too quickly.

Of course, there will be times when you have more important things to do. But it's also important to know that you are important enough to spend time on this work, enjoying your explorations and working towards having an orgasm.

If you really feel that you aren't in the mood, that you can't give yourself time right now to give yourself an orgasm - or sexual pleasure - and that spending time working on your sexual responses would cause you to feel more anxious, try some of the following suggestions:

  • Allocate time in advance for your sensual explorations, masturbation and orgasm training

  • Reserve a time when you will be alone for this work

  • Simply decide when you wish to do the work and accept that this time is for you, regardless of whatever else comes up. After all, other things will often take care of themselves if left alone for long enough!

  • Put off your session until you really feel in the mood for it - but don't let this become an excuse for not doing any work. The ultimate goal of your work (well, more pleasure than work, really) is to have an orgasm, or, rather, to be fully orgasmic whenever you wish, during sex or masturbation. This is a goal worth working for.

  • Do something which you enjoy and will put you in the mood for a sensual exploration of your body - relaxing, taking a nap, having some special food or drink, treating yourself in some way that is special to you.

  • Avoid doing this work at times which you know you have other commitments and will be distracted. This may cause you to feel guilty about the time you are taking.

  • Try doing your sensual exploration at different times of day.

  • Do the work when you feel most confident and self-assured - if you like, when you feel good about your self. Exploring your body is a sensuous process and it can lead to even better feelings, so it makes sense to explore your orgasmic potential when you are feeling relaxed, sensuous, sexy or happy.

  • Don't try doing this if you have any discomfort, perhaps from a yeast infection on your genitals or any other irritation. Make sure you are comfortable, perhaps lying in bed, for as long as it takes!

One of the things that interferes most with women's attempts to relax and have an orgasm is the inner critic (drop the inner critic!) which sounds like a parental or authority voice, making unhelpful observations about how well or badly you're doing (most likely badly, in the view of the critic), your chances of succeeding  (probably low), perhaps your selfishness in taking time for yourself (extremely high, in all probability), and a million other critical points which all resound around your mind when you try and take time to do this work.

Give yourself time and space. Give yourself a break.

Of course all of us have a certain amount of negative criticism to put up with when we are children; for some of us, though, these critical voices - usually those of our parents who knew no better - can become so firmly implanted that they interfere with what we are doing, and how well we are doing.

The whole mass of these introjected (that is, absorbed into your consciousness) tapes is known as your inner critic.

There are other ways that your inner critic can stop you doing your work, too: it can tell you that you should be looking after others rather than yourself; that your role as a woman is to provide for others rather than yourself; that your family and friends are more important than you are.

But as you may well be aware, none of this is true. It's only a matter of perception and balance. The views of those people who gave you the critical voice belong to them, not to you. Your work is in self-development, and in becoming the fully sexual woman you can be, the fully sexual woman you truly are.

There is nothing selfish about that; indeed, it is your responsibility to yourself to become fully orgasmic so that you can enjoy the body that nature or God - as you see it - has given you.

Here are some books which you might like to read to help you learn how to silence your inner critic

Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel

Master Your Inner Critic: Release Your Inner Wisdom by Melanie Greene

The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself by Beverly Engel

The Self-Esteem Companion: Simple Exercises to Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic and Celebrate Your Personal Strengths by Patrick Fanning, Carole Honeychurch, and Matthew McKay

In essence the challenge for you in becoming fully orgasmic, able to enjoy your body during sex or masturbation, is that you need to feel worthy of the time you take to explore your sexual responses and orgasmic potential.

Keep in mind that you are just as worthy of time and effort as the others around you, and like, it or not, they will have to get used to you taking time for yourself, time which is spent on the most worthwhile of pursuits - developing your whole self by exploring your sexuality.

If your family are not respecting your desire to have time alone, especially if you have young children, then this can be a very valuable learning piece for them too: everyone has rights and boundaries which other people need to respect.

Your partner may be able to give you some support here; why not ask him?

Your time alone is precious, and they need to be shown that you are not available to them every minute of the day and night! Of course they don't need to know you are exploring your ability to have an orgasm.... you can be relaxing, reading, or enjoying a bath.

But the principle is clear - time for you is important. Time for you to explore your orgasmic potential is important. Your family need to respect that, which of course requires you to stand up for yourself.

And while children may need to be told, gently and firmly, that Mom has time to herself, your partner is an adult man who should be able to respect this without resentment. Giving and receiving are part of an adult relationship.

If you are having problems, and he appears to resent your taking time to explore your sexuality, the best way to deal with this is to talk about it. Tell him what your objectives are and why you are dong this work.

Remind him that an orgasmic woman is a woman who brings more to life in general, and sex in particular! You may have other questions, concerns and worries that are not addressed here.

But in general, this is all about assertiveness and self-respect, qualities which will undoubtedly grow as you become more fully orgasmic and more fully aware of how you can reach your potential as a fully sexual woman.

Before we go any further, let me reassure that if you successfully masturbate to orgasm, it will only enhance your sexual life with your partner. You will be giving him pleasure, and you will be given pleasure in return. Nothing turns a man on more than an orgasmic woman!

There's a startling fact which you may not know - that the vast majority of men and women in relationships masturbate to orgasm regularly, and very often without their partner's knowledge. The truth is that orgasms are normal when you are in a relationship, whether you have them on your own or with your partner!

Of course feelings will come up for you as you go through this process of self-development. Make no mistake about it, becoming fully sexual and able to reach orgasm - either through sex or masturbation - is a big step along the road of personal development, and any big step in life will have emotional effects.

In terms of your relationship, it's possible that there will be anger and resentment, among other feelings: on his part, because you are becoming more independent and fully relaxed as a woman; on your part because of a sense that you have been held back in the relationship.

I'd like to reassure you that learning how to have an orgasm is a process which can continue regardless of how you feel about your partner and how you feel about your relationship. It's essentially about you, and at the end of the day, your self-development.

Of course this may mean than you have to put aside feelings that develop about the relationship, and deal with them in another way, at another time.

Don't allow the fact that your relationship might have a few emotional issues to deal with stop you exploring your potential for having orgasms, ejaculating easily, and dealing with male sexual dysfunctions like delayed ejaculation.

The course of true love never did run smooth

Equally, when you develop your orgasmic potential, your attitude to your partner and to people around you is likely to change, because you will be more confident and self-assured. If this disrupts the status quo, you can pretty well expect the people around you to start applying pressure to bring you back into the space where they feel most comfortable with you.

That's a challenge that only you can deal with, perhaps even by separating out the sexual development you are undergoing from the rest of the relationship....at least for the moment. What are you as a woman giving to, and what are you getting from, your sexual partner?

If you sense that you are scared about the effects of becoming orgasmic (which often shows up as a sense of resentment about the time you take on your orgasmic and sensual development sessions) here are some points which may help:

  • you won't become addicted to orgasm or masturbation

  • you won't come to prefer masturbation to sex

  • you won't stop wanting sex

  • you will enjoy sex more

  • you will have a warmer relationship with yourself and with your partner

  • you won't lose control and do anything embarrassing or shaming when you have an orgasm

Of course, one of the things that women who are developing their potential to reach orgasm often find is that they are very controlled about how they feel things - they hold back on their emotions and expressing their true selves.

If you think you are over-controlled, think back to your childhood and see if you can work out how this may have developed. Were feelings used as a weapon? Was it unsafe for you to express what you thought and felt?

Were you ridiculed for what you said and felt? Did you come to a decision that the best way to be safe was to be in control of yourself and / or the world around you?

If so, all of these emotions, thoughts and feelings will affect how easily you reach orgasm and how much you relax into your sensual exploration sessions.

If you sense an urge to get any kind of sex over and done with, or any kind of reluctance to enjoy one of these sessions, it's a fair bet that you have some inhibitions about reaching orgasm, pleasuring yourself sexually, or losing control.

Men - you have a role in ensuring women are given good orgasms

Excellent practical advice for all men with sexual issues on how to last longer during sex can be found at this website, giving comprehensive information on useful treatments and superb ejaculation control strategies to determine the timing of your orgasm and ejaculation and enable you to control and overcome premature ejaculation.

This is a great way to impress your lover during intercourse and be able to last longer to ensure she gets maximum chance of reaching orgasm.

What can you do to overcome these fears? Well, trust the process. You're only giving yourself the chance to have an orgasm - a perfectly natural state of being - and you're only going to develop your sexual and orgasmic potential at a pace that is safe for you - that's the way self-development works.

Your mind and body do what is right for you. Having said that, sometimes it's helpful to speed up the process by making a conscious decision: here, that might be that you were going to spend the time exploring your sexuality and enjoying the discoveries you make about yourself and your body along the way.

You might also have a fear of what happens when you reach orgasm - especially if you have never seen an other woman having an orgasm.

The answer is that it varies dramatically: some women make a lot of noise and move a lot, while others just sigh gently and remain mostly still.

Whether or not you watch sex sites, which often have clips of women masturbating to orgasm, one thing you need to know is that a lot of orgasm involve involuntary movements of the body, and possibly involuntary cries of joy, or just noises of pleasure.

These reactions to orgasm are quite natural, some of them are conscious, some are unconscious, and whatever happens does not mean that the woman making these movements or noises is losing control.

Men often lose control at the moment of orgasm, particularly when they give voice - and when you experience orgasm, you may want to do this too. 

To help you get to grips with this, why don't you try modeling an orgasm, just for fun? This will loosen yup your body, activate some nerve pathways in your brain, and make you more relaxed about actually having an orgasm. All you need to do is adapt one of your self-pleasuring sessions!

When you're aroused, start moving your body in whatever way you like. You may have seen an orgasm on the website I mentioned above: in any case, you know, or your body knows, what to do when it reaches orgasm - it's a genetic blueprint deep inside all of us (after all, we are naturally sexy creatures!).

So thrust your hips, moan, shout, rub your hands on your body, grind your thighs together, do whatever feels right, fun or natural. When a man gives a woman an orgasm, he expects her to make a noise!

You may want to do this in private so that you don't feel embarrassed by anybody watching or hearing you - though hopefully when you are fully orgasmic, that will happen at least some of the time during sex!

It's worth mentioning at this point that whether or not you find this arousing, almost every man ever born will get turned on by watching you put on this performance, so beings ashamed or embarrassed by your male partner should be the last thing on your mind!

There are few things more arousing to a man than a woman enjoying her orgasm (especially if he helped her get to it, men being so achievement-oriented)!

Repeat this exercise a few times a week, in whatever way seems right to you, until you are relaxed and comfortable with it.

So did you find anything that you felt inhibited about? Did you feel it rude or vulgar to thrust your hips? If so, try and keep in mind the fact that these movements are the natural rhythm of one of the most enjoyable and fundamental aspects of our human sexuality - making love.

For humans, sex is elevated beyond a reproductive function into an experience which can be profoundly intimate and rewarding - spiritual even.

The pleasure that comes from moving during sex and orgasm is mutual - for both you and your partner, these movements are a fundamental part of the greatest human pleasure.

You don't have to enjoy them right now, though, for the whole experience of sex will fit together much better when you have become fully orgasmic and at ease with your body. For the moment, simply try them out and see how well they fit for you.

It's also important that you remember this is a process under your control. Enjoying orgasms, important though that undoubtedly is, forms only one part of what you are doing for yourself here.

If you grew up in a house where sex was taboo, for example, your parents will undoubtedly have instilled you with certain attitudes to the expression of your sexuality.

You now have the power to make a conscious choice about whether you continue to live out your parents' scripts around sex, or take some new decisions and live your own sexual life.

You do not need you parents' permission to enjoy sex. You do not need anyone to give you, as a woman, the right to sexual pleasure, though you may prefer to receive pleasure from a man who knows how to give a woman an orgasm.

In particular, worrying about what the experience will be like when you finally learn how to have an orgasm can hamper your progress toward that highly desirable objective.

Anxiety is processed by a part of the nervous system which directly opposes the sexual and relaxation responses of the body. Anxiety and orgasm are not compatible!

If you find that you are sabotaging the whole process by watching feverishly for any sign of arousal in your body, or even by detaching from what you are doing, rather than just relaxing into the sensations you feel and letting the whole experience wash over you, try and get back in touch with your physical experience.

Sense what you feel in your body, quickly pass your attention around your body and just check out the sensations you are enjoying. It's actually the arousal in your body which drives the arousal in your mind - and that allows you to have an orgasm.

Conversely, the more you analyze the experience, the less aroused you may be in your mind. A certain degree of "letting go" of thoughts and feelings about events extraneous to sex, masturbation and orgasm is important as you move toward orgasm.

That's where you can consciously choose to make this process work for you: be deciding that you want it to happen, that you will do all you can to make it happen, and that you'll accept the experiences, thoughts and feelings which flow from it. After that, it just takes time!

Changes in the female body during sexual arousal

There's a sexual response cycle which more or less charts the course of sexual arousal from a standing start through arousal to orgasm. It's slightly different for men and women; but it may help you to have a sense of what to expect as you become aroused and approach orgasm.

You may already have noticed some of the changes in your body - swelling of the labia, increased moisture in the vagina, selling of the clitoris, and a change in color of the genitals as you get more aroused. Your breasts will become more sensitive to touch, and you may feel other sexual desires - to be vaginally penetrated, perhaps, or to embrace a lover, or to thrust your hips. All of this is normal.....these changes are part of the female sexual response cycle.

It's been said that the sexual response cycle starts with sexual desire. However, that's too simple. Desire and response are interchanged: a physically aroused woman doesn't always feel sexually aroused; sometimes her feelings of sexual arousal develop after she has become physically aroused; sometimes sexual arousal develops only after cuddling, kissing and other forms of foreplay.

In other words, it's not always clear what starts the process of sexual arousal, and sometimes it needs a kick start to make it happen! That may be when you actually have to decide you are going to have a pleasuring session or enjoy sex with your lover. You can't always wait for nature to do its magic all by itself!

However, if you have a low level of sexual desire and it stays that way for much of the time, and shows no sign of increasing when you become orgasmic, it may be worth looking further into why that is so for you.

The Female Sexual Response Cycle

The first phase is known as the excitement phase. Sexy or erotic feelings produce vaginal lubrication - perhaps large amounts, perhaps only a little. Women describe this in various ways - a feeling of fullness, or swelling, which is caused by the clitoris and labia becoming engorged with blood. At high levels of arousal your clitoris will retract a little.

Your breasts may be swollen, your nipples erect, and the whole area more sensitive than usual. Internally, the vagina becomes wet, ready for penetration, and swells and lengthens.

Then you reach the plateau phase. You may find some flushing on your skin, changes in your breathing and heart rate, and a darkening of your labia. You may have muscular tension, which makes you feel different sensations in your body. Or you might not - things differ from women to woman as well as from one time to another in the same woman.

The next phase is the one during which orgasm occurs, if it's going to do so. Of course, orgasm is not necessary for good sex: for many women, the closeness of penetration and lovemaking is very satisfying whether or not they are given an orgasm or have an orgasm.

But it is possible that if you reach the plateau phase and you do not have an orgasm, you'll feel frustrated - tense, desiring sexual release (an orgasm, in other words) and possibly a bit irritable and emotional.

The orgasm phase speaks for itself, it's the part of the sexual response cycle where your sexual arousal mounts to the point where you tip over into orgasm; which is effectively a release of all the sexual tension, both muscular and emotional, which has built up during your sexual experience.

You may feel a series of rhythmic muscular contractions or pulsations accompanied by a tremendous feeling of pleasure, or you may just enjoy a slight sense of sexual release - it all depends on the circumstances at the time.

It's probably not an exaggeration to say that all orgasms are different. In all cases, though, the objective of this program is to make you feel relaxed enough to enjoy whatever happens without fear or worry.

Let's also be clear at this point - you aren't necessarily going to have an orgasm during sexual intercourse. For many women, the clitoris is the place where they get most sexual excitement - and it isn't a place that gets stimulated much during intercourse.

You can, of course, use your fingers (or your partner can use his fingers or tongue) or a vibrator to provide additional stimulation to you clitoris during sexual intercourse. This can help you enjoy an orgasm while your partner has his penis in your vagina.

When you have had an orgasm, the blood which has swollen up the sexual organs slowly drains away and you return to your unaroused state.

But this change happens much more slowly than it does for men, so it's always useful to keep in mind that it may be better for a woman to have her orgasm first, then for her partner to enjoy his. However, we are leaping ahead, and we'll have much more to say on that subject later.

You may be wondering what affects how easily you can have an orgasm, whether during sex or masturbation. Obviously, where you're at in your menstrual cycle is one of the biggest factors, for your sexual desire probably goes up and down as your cycle progresses.

Your mood, too, can be a significant factor in desire and ability to achieve orgasm - when you're depressed, not only are you less interested in sex, but you're much less likely to have an orgasm.

Taking the contraceptive pill can affect your sex drive - some women report that it lessens their sex drive. If this is a concern for you, see your doctor and ask for a different formulation.

Since hormones have such a big effect on our sex lives, it's no surprise to find out that pregnancy and ageing have some impact on sexual desire. The relationship between sexual desire and ageing is not straightforward though, for some women who go through the menopause report that they have a much higher sex drive...which perhaps reflects the fact that they no longer fear getting pregnant.

Ways to help yourself reach orgasm

You may not know this, but it's possible to trigger your orgasm, if you're sufficiently aroused, by using some stimulus you find especially exciting. For example, you may find some of these helpful in tipping yourself over into orgasm:

  • Tense up your muscles: legs, stomach, feet, arms, hands, especially if you find your body naturally tensing up near orgasm.

  • Contract your vaginal muscles, by squeezing and releasing them as you near orgasm.

  • Encourage your body to move into orgasm-mode by thrusting your hips, moving your hands over your body, pressing your thighs together, or whatever else you feel moved to do.

  • Use a mirror to watch yourself.

  • Use different body positions (e.g. lie on your stomach with a pillow between your legs to stimulate your clitoris).

  • Use sexy clothes that make you feel sensuous.

  • Try holding your breath or panting quickly.

  • Watch some erotic films or DVDs.

  • See websites that can inform you about sexual techniques likely to produce orgasm.

And if you still think you aren't getting near orgasm

Please don't be discouraged! You haven't been in touch with your body for years, decades, perhaps, so it's going to take some time to become easily aroused and fully orgasmic. Your attitude counts for a lot - if you maintain a positive attitude, confident that you will become orgasmic in the near future, and committed to the exercises, then success lies ahead.

Explore all the possibilities we mention in your self-pleasuring sessions, taking time to try all the options and ensuring you don't rush or hurry through the exercises. Each session can last up to one hour.

If you haven't yet had an orgasm, don't focus on that; just carry on stimulating yourself in the same way, two or three times a week for two or three weeks more. After that, move on. Success will come (and so will you!) eventually.

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