Now that your sessions of
masturbation are lasting for about half an hour, you've probably been
experiencing high levels of arousal. It's possible, though, that you have
not yet had an orgasm. The way to deal with this is to practice more!
Before we talk about that,
however, it's important to understand what else might be blocking your
One big thing which can certainly
interfere with your training program (a training program to enjoy
orgasms) is the sense that you shouldn't be doing this, that there are
more important things to worry about than having an orgasm: your home,
family, work, and so on. It's our view that this kind of irritable
resistance is almost always a block which is caused by fear or
To overcome it, think of the objective you're working
towards - being able to freely enjoy orgasm as you choose, to
experience sexual arousal and to enjoy all the pleasure that your body
can offer you. To accept the sexual gifts that your partner is giving
you - including orgasm.
You can find out how any man can last a great deal longer
in bed by reading about premature ejaculation here -
- this has many answers which are helpful to men who ejaculate too
Of course, there will be times when
you have more important things to do. But it's also important to know
that you are important enough to spend time on this work, enjoying your
explorations and working towards having an orgasm.
If you really feel that you aren't in
the mood, that you can't give yourself time right now to give yourself
an orgasm - or sexual pleasure - and that spending time working on your
sexual responses would cause you to feel more anxious, try some of the
Allocate time in advance for your
sensual explorations, masturbation and orgasm training
Reserve a time when you will be alone
for this work
Simply decide when you wish to do the
work and accept that this time is for you, regardless of whatever else
comes up. After all, other things will often take care of themselves if
left alone for long enough!
Put off your session until you really
feel in the mood for it - but don't let this become an excuse for not
doing any work. The ultimate goal of your work (well, more pleasure than
work, really) is to have an orgasm, or, rather, to be fully orgasmic
whenever you wish, during sex or masturbation. This is a goal worth
Do something which you enjoy and will
put you in the mood for a sensual exploration of your body - relaxing,
taking a nap, having some special food or drink, treating yourself in
some way that is special to you.
Avoid doing this work at times which
you know you have other commitments and will be distracted. This may
cause you to feel guilty about the time you are taking.
Try doing your sensual exploration at
different times of day.
Do the work when you feel most
confident and self-assured - if you like, when you feel good about your
self. Exploring your body is a sensuous process and it can lead to even
better feelings, so it makes sense to explore your orgasmic potential
when you are feeling relaxed, sensuous, sexy or happy.
Don't try doing this if you
have any discomfort, perhaps from a yeast infection
on your genitals or any other irritation. Make sure you are comfortable,
perhaps lying in bed, for
as long as it takes!
One of the things that interferes
most with women's attempts to relax and have an orgasm is the inner
the inner critic!) which sounds like a parental or authority voice, making unhelpful
observations about how well or badly you're doing (most likely badly, in
the view of the critic),
your chances of succeeding (probably low), perhaps your
selfishness in taking time for yourself (extremely high, in all
probability), and a million other critical points which all resound
around your mind when you try and take time to do this work.
Give yourself time and space. Give
yourself a break.
Of course all of us have a certain
amount of negative criticism to put up with when we are children; for some
of us, though, these critical voices - usually those of our parents who
knew no better - can become so firmly implanted that they interfere with
what we are doing, and how well we are doing.
The whole mass of these introjected
(that is, absorbed into your consciousness) tapes is known as your
There are other ways that your inner
critic can stop you doing your work, too: it can tell you that you
should be looking after others rather than yourself; that your role as a
woman is to provide for others rather than yourself; that your family
and friends are more important than you are.
But as you may well be aware, none of
this is true. It's only a matter of perception and balance. The views of
those people who gave you the critical voice belong to them, not to you.
Your work is in self-development, and in becoming the fully sexual woman
you can be, the fully sexual woman you truly are.
There is nothing selfish about
that; indeed, it is your responsibility to yourself to become fully
orgasmic so that you can enjoy the body that nature or God - as you see
it - has given you.
Here are some books which you might
like to read to help you learn how to silence your inner critic
The Self-Esteem Companion: Simple
Exercises to Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic and Celebrate Your
Personal Strengths by Patrick Fanning, Carole
Honeychurch, and Matthew McKay
In essence the challenge for you in
becoming fully orgasmic, able to enjoy your body during sex or
masturbation, is that you need to feel worthy of the time you take to
explore your sexual responses and orgasmic potential.
Keep in mind that you are just as
worthy of time and effort as the others around you, and like, it or not,
they will have to get used to you taking time for yourself, time which
is spent on the most worthwhile of pursuits - developing your whole self
by exploring your sexuality.
If your family are not respecting
your desire to have time alone, especially if you have young children,
then this can be a very valuable learning piece for them too: everyone
has rights and boundaries which other people need to respect.
Your partner may be able
to give you some support here; why not ask him?
Your time alone is precious, and they
need to be shown that you are not available to them every minute of the
day and night! Of course they don't need to know you are exploring your
ability to have an orgasm.... you can be relaxing, reading, or enjoying a
But the principle is clear - time for
you is important. Time for you to explore your orgasmic potential is
important. Your family need to respect that, which of course requires
you to stand up for yourself.
And while children may need to be told,
gently and firmly, that Mom has time to herself, your partner is an
adult man who should be able to respect this without resentment.
Giving and receiving are part of an adult relationship.
If you are having problems, and he
appears to resent your taking time to explore your sexuality, the best
way to deal with this is to talk about it. Tell him what your objectives
are and why you are dong this work.
Remind him that an
orgasmic woman is a woman who brings more to life in general, and
sex in particular! You may have other questions, concerns and worries
that are not addressed here.
But in general, this is all about
assertiveness and self-respect, qualities which will undoubtedly grow as
you become more fully orgasmic and more fully aware of how you can reach
your potential as a fully sexual woman.
Before we go any further, let me
reassure that if you successfully masturbate to orgasm, it will only
enhance your sexual life with your partner. You will be giving him
pleasure, and you will be given pleasure in return. Nothing turns a man
on more than an orgasmic woman!
There's a startling fact
which you may not know - that the vast majority of men and women in
relationships masturbate to orgasm regularly, and very often without
their partner's knowledge. The truth is that orgasms are normal when you
are in a relationship, whether you have them on your own or with your
Of course feelings will come up for
you as you go through this process of self-development. Make no mistake
about it, becoming fully sexual and able to reach orgasm - either
through sex or masturbation - is a big step along the road of personal
development, and any big step in life will have emotional effects.
In terms of your relationship, it's
possible that there will be anger and resentment, among other feelings:
on his part, because you are becoming more independent and fully relaxed
as a woman; on your part because of a sense that you have been held back
in the relationship.
I'd like to reassure you that
learning how to have an orgasm is a process which can continue
regardless of how you feel about your partner and how you feel about
your relationship. It's essentially about you, and at the end of the
day, your self-development.
Of course this may mean than you have
to put aside feelings that develop about the relationship, and deal with
them in another way, at another time.
Equally, when you develop your
orgasmic potential, your attitude to your partner and to people around
you is likely to change, because you will be more confident and
self-assured. If this disrupts the status quo, you can pretty well
expect the people around you to start applying pressure to bring you
back into the space where they feel most comfortable with you.
That's a challenge that only you can
deal with, perhaps even by separating out the sexual development you are
undergoing from the rest of the relationship....at least for the moment.
What are you as a woman giving to, and what are you getting from,
your sexual partner?
If you sense that you are scared
about the effects of becoming orgasmic (which often shows up as a sense
of resentment about the time you take on your orgasmic and sensual
development sessions) here are some points which may help:
you won't become addicted to orgasm
you won't come to prefer masturbation
you won't stop wanting sex
you will enjoy sex more
you will have a warmer relationship
with yourself and with your partner
you won't lose control and do
anything embarrassing or shaming when you have an orgasm
Of course, one of the things that
women who are developing their potential to reach orgasm often find is
that they are very controlled about how they feel things - they hold
back on their emotions and expressing their true selves.
If you think you are
over-controlled, think back to your childhood and see if you can work
out how this may have developed. Were feelings used as a weapon? Was it
unsafe for you to express what you thought and felt?
Were you ridiculed for what you said
and felt? Did you come to a decision that the best way to be safe was to
be in control of yourself and / or the world around you?
If so, all of these emotions,
thoughts and feelings will affect how easily you reach orgasm and how
much you relax into your sensual exploration sessions.
If you sense an urge to get any kind
of sex over and done with, or any kind of reluctance to enjoy one of
these sessions, it's a fair bet that you have some inhibitions about
reaching orgasm, pleasuring yourself sexually, or losing control.
Men - you have a role in
ensuring women are given good orgasms
Excellent practical advice for women who wish to ejaculate during sex can be found at this website,
giving comprehensive information on useful strategies to determine
the timing of your ejaculation.
This is a great way to impress your
lover during intercourse and be able to last longer to ensure she gets
maximum chance of reaching orgasm.
What can you do to overcome these
fears? Well, trust the process. You're only giving yourself the chance
to have an orgasm - a perfectly natural state of being - and you're only going to develop your sexual
and orgasmic potential at a pace that is safe for you - that's the way
Your mind and body do what is right
for you. Having said that, sometimes it's helpful to speed up the
process by making a conscious decision: here, that might be that you
were going to spend the time exploring your sexuality and enjoying the
discoveries you make about yourself and your body along the way.
You might also have a fear of what
happens when you reach orgasm - especially if you have never seen an
other woman having an orgasm.
The answer is that it varies
dramatically: some women make a lot of noise and move a lot, while
others just sigh gently and remain mostly still.
Whether or not you watch sex
sites, which often have clips of women masturbating to orgasm, one thing you
need to know is that a
lot of orgasm involve involuntary movements of the body, and possibly involuntary
cries of joy, or just noises of pleasure.
These reactions to orgasm are quite
natural, some of them are conscious, some are unconscious, and whatever
happens does not mean that the woman making these movements or noises is
Men often lose control at the
moment of orgasm, particularly when they give voice - and when you
experience orgasm, you may want to do this too.
To help you get to grips with this,
why don't you try modeling an orgasm, just for fun? This will loosen yup
your body, activate some nerve pathways in your brain, and make you more
relaxed about actually having an orgasm. All you need to do is adapt one
of your self-pleasuring sessions!
When you're aroused, start moving
your body in whatever way you like. You may have seen an orgasm on the
website I mentioned above: in any case, you know, or your body knows,
what to do when it reaches orgasm - it's a genetic blueprint deep inside
all of us (after all, we are naturally sexy creatures!).
So thrust your hips, moan, shout,
rub your hands on your body, grind your thighs together, do whatever
feels right, fun or natural. When a man gives a woman an orgasm, he
expects her to make a noise!
You may want to do this in private so
that you don't feel embarrassed by anybody watching or hearing you -
though hopefully when you are fully orgasmic, that will happen at least
some of the time during sex!
It's worth mentioning at this point
that whether or not you find this arousing, almost every man ever born
will get turned on by watching you put on this performance, so beings
ashamed or embarrassed by your male partner should be the last thing on
There are few things more arousing to
a man than a woman enjoying her orgasm (especially if he helped her get
to it, men being so achievement-oriented)!
Repeat this exercise a few times a
week, in whatever way seems right to you, until you are relaxed and
comfortable with it.
So did you find anything that you
felt inhibited about? Did you feel it rude or vulgar to thrust your
hips? If so, try and keep in mind the fact that these movements are the
natural rhythm of one of the most enjoyable and fundamental aspects of
our human sexuality - making love.
For humans, sex is elevated beyond
a reproductive function into an experience which can be profoundly
intimate and rewarding -
The pleasure that comes from moving
during sex and orgasm is mutual - for both you and your partner, these
movements are a fundamental part of the greatest human pleasure.
You don't have to enjoy them right
now, though, for the whole experience of sex will fit together much
better when you have become fully orgasmic and at ease with your body.
For the moment, simply try them out and see how well they fit for you.
It's also important that you remember
this is a process under your control. Enjoying orgasms, important though
that undoubtedly is, forms only one part of what you are doing for
If you grew up in a house where
sex was taboo, for example, your parents will undoubtedly have instilled
you with certain attitudes to the expression of your sexuality.
You now have the power to make a
conscious choice about whether you continue to live out your parents'
scripts around sex, or take some new decisions and live your own sexual
You do not need you parents'
permission to enjoy sex. You do not need anyone to give you, as a woman,
the right to sexual pleasure, though you may prefer to receive pleasure
from a man who knows how to give a woman an orgasm.
In particular, worrying about what
the experience will be like when you finally learn how to have an orgasm
can hamper your progress toward that highly desirable objective.
Anxiety is processed by a part of the
nervous system which directly opposes the sexual and relaxation
responses of the body. Anxiety and orgasm are not compatible!
If you find that you are sabotaging
the whole process by watching feverishly for any sign of arousal in your
body, or even by detaching from what you are doing, rather than just
relaxing into the sensations you feel and letting the whole experience
wash over you, try and get back in touch with your physical experience.
Sense what you feel in your body, quickly pass your attention around
your body and just check out the sensations you are enjoying. It's
actually the arousal in your body which drives the arousal in your mind
- and that allows you to have an orgasm.
Conversely, the more you analyze the
experience, the less aroused you may be in your mind. A certain degree
of "letting go" of thoughts and feelings about events extraneous to sex,
masturbation and orgasm is important as you move toward orgasm.
That's where you can consciously
choose to make this process work for you: be deciding that you want it
to happen, that you will do all you can to make it happen, and that
you'll accept the experiences, thoughts and feelings which flow from it.
After that, it just takes time!
Changes in the female body
during sexual arousal
There's a sexual response cycle which
more or less charts the course of sexual arousal from a standing start
through arousal to orgasm. It's slightly different for men and women;
but it may help you to have a sense of what to expect as you become
aroused and approach orgasm.
You may already have noticed some of
the changes in your body - swelling of the labia, increased moisture in
the vagina, selling of the clitoris, and a change in color of the
genitals as you get more aroused. Your breasts will become more
sensitive to touch, and you may feel other sexual desires - to be
vaginally penetrated, perhaps, or to embrace a lover, or to thrust your
hips. All of this is normal.....these changes are part of the female
sexual response cycle.
It's been said that the
response cycle starts with sexual desire. However, that's too simple.
Desire and response are interchanged: a physically aroused woman doesn't
always feel sexually aroused; sometimes her feelings of sexual arousal
develop after she has become physically aroused; sometimes sexual
arousal develops only after cuddling, kissing and other forms of
In other words, it's not always clear what starts the process
of sexual arousal, and sometimes it needs a kick start to make it
happen! That may be when you actually have to decide you are going to
have a pleasuring session or enjoy sex with your lover. You can't always
wait for nature to do its magic all by itself!
However, if you have a low level of
sexual desire and it stays that way for much of the time, and shows no
sign of increasing when you become orgasmic, it may be worth looking
further into why that is so for you.
The Female Sexual
The first phase is known as the
excitement phase. Sexy or erotic feelings produce vaginal lubrication -
perhaps large amounts, perhaps only a little. Women describe this in
various ways - a feeling of fullness, or swelling, which is caused by
the clitoris and labia becoming engorged with blood. At high levels of
arousal your clitoris will retract a little.
Your breasts may be swollen, your
nipples erect, and the whole area more sensitive than usual. Internally,
the vagina becomes wet, ready for penetration, and swells and lengthens.
Then you reach the plateau phase. You
may find some flushing on your skin, changes in your breathing and heart
rate, and a darkening of your labia. You may have muscular tension,
which makes you feel different sensations in your body. Or you might not
- things differ from women to woman as well as from one time to another
in the same woman.
The next phase is the one during
which orgasm occurs, if it's going to do so. Of course, orgasm is not
necessary for good sex: for many women, the closeness of penetration and
lovemaking is very satisfying whether or not they are given an orgasm or
have an orgasm.
But it is possible that if you reach
the plateau phase and you do not have an orgasm, you'll feel frustrated
- tense, desiring sexual release (an orgasm, in other words) and
possibly a bit irritable and emotional.
The orgasm phase speaks for itself,
it's the part of the sexual response cycle where your sexual arousal
mounts to the point where you tip over into orgasm; which is effectively
a release of all the sexual tension, both muscular and emotional, which
has built up during your sexual experience.
You may feel a series of rhythmic
muscular contractions or pulsations accompanied by a tremendous feeling
of pleasure, or you may just enjoy a slight sense of sexual release - it
all depends on the circumstances at the time.
It's probably not an exaggeration to
say that all orgasms are different. In all cases, though, the objective
of this program is to make you feel relaxed enough to enjoy whatever
happens without fear or worry.
Let's also be clear at this point -
you aren't necessarily going to have an orgasm during sexual
intercourse. For many women, the clitoris is the place where they get
most sexual excitement - and it isn't a place that gets stimulated much
You can, of course, use your fingers
(or your partner can use his fingers or tongue) or a vibrator to provide
additional stimulation to you clitoris during sexual intercourse. This
can help you enjoy an orgasm while your partner has his penis in your
When you have had an orgasm, the
blood which has swollen up the sexual organs slowly drains away and you
return to your unaroused state.
But this change happens much more
slowly than it does for men, so it's always useful to keep in mind that
it may be better for a woman to have her orgasm first, then for her
partner to enjoy his. However, we are leaping ahead, and we'll have
much more to say on that subject later.
You may be wondering what affects how
easily you can have an orgasm, whether during sex or masturbation.
Obviously, where you're at in your menstrual cycle is one of the biggest
factors, for your sexual desire probably goes up and down as your cycle
Your mood, too, can be a significant
factor in desire and ability to achieve orgasm - when you're depressed,
not only are you less interested in sex, but you're much less likely to
have an orgasm.
Taking the contraceptive pill can
affect your sex drive - some women report that it lessens their sex
drive. If this is a concern for you, see your doctor and ask for a
Since hormones have such a big effect
on our sex lives, it's no surprise to find out that pregnancy and ageing
have some impact on sexual desire. The relationship between sexual
desire and ageing is not straightforward though, for some women who go
through the menopause report that they have a much higher sex
drive...which perhaps reflects the fact that they no longer fear getting
Ways to help yourself reach orgasm
You may not know this, but it's
possible to trigger your orgasm, if you're sufficiently aroused, by
using some stimulus you find especially exciting. For example, you may
find some of these helpful in tipping yourself over into orgasm:
Tense up your muscles: legs, stomach,
feet, arms, hands, especially if you find your body naturally tensing up
Contract your vaginal muscles, by
squeezing and releasing them as you near orgasm.
Encourage your body to move into
orgasm-mode by thrusting your hips, moving your hands over your body,
pressing your thighs together, or whatever else you feel moved to do.
Use a mirror to watch yourself.
Use different body positions (e.g.
lie on your stomach with a pillow between your legs to stimulate your
And if you still think
you aren't getting near orgasm
Please don't be discouraged! You
haven't been in touch with your body for years, decades, perhaps, so
it's going to take some time to become easily aroused and fully
orgasmic. Your attitude counts for a lot - if you maintain a positive
attitude, confident that you will become orgasmic in the near future,
and committed to the exercises, then success lies ahead.
Explore all the possibilities we
mention in your self-pleasuring sessions, taking time to try all the
options and ensuring you don't rush or hurry through the exercises. Each
session can last up to one hour.
If you haven't yet had an orgasm,
don't focus on that; just carry on stimulating yourself in the same way,
two or three times a week for two or three weeks more. After that, move
on. Success will come (and so will you!) eventually.